Chicago, IL

Buddy Hemp, a non-tenured teacher at Warren S. Gedding High has been placed on administrative leave after it was discovered he was intoxicated during the school day. Administration discovered that Hemp was under the influence of marijuana when a student reported him wondering the halls confronting students with food asking, "Are you gonna finish that?" The student reportedly said to principal Dentz, "I think Mr. Hemp baked as a mother-f**kin' cake, Mr. D!"

When one student offered Hemp a half-eaten honey bun, he proceeded to eat it "slowly and deliberately" and appeared to be "nearly nodding off in sheer ecstasy," according to one student.

When questioned by administration, Hemp claimed to have never partaken in "the devil's weed" due to his strict religious upbringing. This was confirmed by several coworkers, one of whom stated, "Hemp is rolled tighter than a Jamaican joint. He'd never touch the stuff."

After further investigation, Principal Dentz determined Hemp's intoxication was a result of an emergency trip to the student bathroom before 1st period where he spent a considerable amount of time inhaling second-hand marijuana smoke. "I accidentally used my wife's dairy creamer in the morning, and had some stomache issues," claimed Hemp. "I usually use the faculty bathroom, but it's a little too far away and I wasn't sure I could make it." Afraid of exiting the stall and having to confront the students who had gathered to smoke, Hemp stayed until they had left. "I was in there quite a while just breathing it all in. At one point I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face."

When asked about the epidemic of student marijuana addiction at Gedding High School, Principal Dentz had no further comment.